The Little Brown Ikea Pencil of Doom: Part 5
Lars Swedishname paced his hotel room nervously. For the thousandth time he cursed the twists of fate that had brought him to this nondescript town in a foreign country, searching out the ultimate in home furnishing evil. Then he cursed again. “A thousand and one” he thought as he sat down on the bed. He looked at the desk in the corner. On it was a silver bullet, a flask of holy water, a wooden stake, a crucifix and an electric pencil sharpener. There was a knock at the door. He stood up and walked over to see who it was.
“Who are you?” he asked, peering through the peep hole into the corridor outside his room. A unformed policeman stood with his head down. He appeared to be writing something in his notebook. Lars shuddered.
“Police Constable Wilkins, MadeupTown police” said the officer. “I’ve got some more questions about this theory of yours”.
Lars’s hands trembled as he removed the chain and slowly turned the handle. Then the door flew open and the policeman burst into the room.
“Lars Swedishname” said the Constable Wilkins, reading from his notebook. “I must kill you and then go and buy a Babord shoe rack”
Lars backed away from him, towards the desk. “Why the Babord” he asked nervously “The Skoomp is much larger and better finished. And it only costs an extra five pounds”.
The policeman looked down at his notes.
“No” he said, “It must be the Babord, it is pine finish and will better match the Bango telephone table. And now you must die”
Lars looked up at the policeman, staring at the little brown pencil behind the constable’s left ear. He would only have one chance to make his move and it must be…. now! He lunged forward towards the policeman, grabbing with outstretched hand for the pencil. His fingers plucked it from behind the constable’s ear, and with a deft movement he swung round and plunged the pencil into the electric pencil sharpener. The sharpener sprang to life, and then, as abruptly, stopped. “Curse these foreign mains adapters”, thought Lars, as the policeman moved closer towards him....
(to be continued)
“Who are you?” he asked, peering through the peep hole into the corridor outside his room. A unformed policeman stood with his head down. He appeared to be writing something in his notebook. Lars shuddered.
“Police Constable Wilkins, MadeupTown police” said the officer. “I’ve got some more questions about this theory of yours”.
Lars’s hands trembled as he removed the chain and slowly turned the handle. Then the door flew open and the policeman burst into the room.
“Lars Swedishname” said the Constable Wilkins, reading from his notebook. “I must kill you and then go and buy a Babord shoe rack”
Lars backed away from him, towards the desk. “Why the Babord” he asked nervously “The Skoomp is much larger and better finished. And it only costs an extra five pounds”.
The policeman looked down at his notes.
“No” he said, “It must be the Babord, it is pine finish and will better match the Bango telephone table. And now you must die”
Lars looked up at the policeman, staring at the little brown pencil behind the constable’s left ear. He would only have one chance to make his move and it must be…. now! He lunged forward towards the policeman, grabbing with outstretched hand for the pencil. His fingers plucked it from behind the constable’s ear, and with a deft movement he swung round and plunged the pencil into the electric pencil sharpener. The sharpener sprang to life, and then, as abruptly, stopped. “Curse these foreign mains adapters”, thought Lars, as the policeman moved closer towards him....
(to be continued)
posted by Rob Miles at
Friday, March 04, 2005
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