Paper Weight

Nearly finished tidying up. I've decided that I buy too many magazines. Perhaps there is a magazine, "Magazine Overcollector Monthly"?, about people like me. If there was I'd probably buy it.

Busy Doing Nothing

Spent the day doing stuff. Nothing useful. Just stuff. When I'm on holiday but the rest of the family is sort of working I end up doing things which I think are useful, are fairly undemanding, but don't actually achieve much. In this case I decided to tidy up the paperwork.

This involved sorting through loads of papers and messing around with the shredder for a long time (something to do with my fear of identify theft - as if).

The work did produce a number of bags of rubbish and a whole pile of old magazines, so off I went to the tip to get rid. The tip is near the Humber Bridge, so I stopped off and took a few sunset pictures with the new camera. I'm quite proud of this one.




The bridge

Then off to Geoffs for more free food and entertainment. It's a great life if you don't weaken....

Not a Bit Like Lily Savage

We drove home today. Another motorway, another bunch of bent metal and huddled figures by the roadside. The way things are looking I'm going to be too scared to go out on the roads soon.

Then, in the evening over to David and Anna for eating and entertainment. This time we played Cranium. We've had a copy for a while. We like playing with the clay and making stuff (which almost always looks rude). The team I was on won, in spite of me breaking all the rules when asked to impersonate Lily Savage. Apparently you are not allowed to mention places. So claiming to be "..the slapper from Liverpool.." got me disqualified. But fortunately my vast knowledge of Dr Who and thruppenny bits managed to help us on to victory.

Another Day, Another Christmas

Having a spread out family does mean that you can have more than one christmas. This was number two, with presents, enormous meal, flaming pudding and silly games. The silliest game we played was Munchkin. This arrived courtesy of number one son, who lists it amongst the cerebral things that he does at university.

If you like daft card games you will love it. It is a bit like an adventure quest type thing, but a seriously silly one. You fight with each other, help each other (if the price is right) and generally plot and scheme to get to be the strongest fighting force in the dungeon. The monsters are great. Grandad won by beating a level 8 Gazebo....

Motorway Madness

Went down to see the inlaws today. They live down south, around 225 miles from our neck of the woods. This meant that we had to endure some motorway driving. We had one of the worst journeys ever. Nothing boosts moral more than driving past a pile of smoking wreckage, one end of which looks remarkably like the same kind of car that you are sitting in. Two cars seemed to have spontaneously combusted. By the lack of ambulance and the number of people standing glumly on the side of the road I don't think that anyone was hurt, but it probably ruined their day.

The scariest thing we saw involved a couple of cars which had performedn a minor fender bender with each other; in the fast lane. The cars were still on the motorway and their owners were standing in the very middle of the crash barriers in the centre of the motorway with cars whizzing past them on both sides. Looking at the way that traffic is nowadays, they are probably still there.

We got to our destination OK though, and dug in for "Christmas 2: the sequel".

Boxing Day Sales and Human Nature

Even though Boxing Day was a Sunday there were still shops wanting to sell us stuff. And even though we had spent the last few weeks frantically buying things we still had the urge to go out and look what was out there.

I've never really understood the human condition on this one. Before christmas we buy stuff at full price. Then, the day after the hallowed occasion we zoom up town and find that what we bought is now half price. But rather than rise up as one and storm the cash tills in anger we just spend more money on more stuff, but now because it is a "bargain".

And then the shops complain that they had a "poor christmas" as if we have failed in our duty to go and make ourselves poorer so that their figures look good.

Next year I'm going to propose a "late christmas". There is nothing in the bible which pegs christmas to 25th December. I'm going to propose that we do it all on the nearest Saturday following the real one, giving the shops time to drop all the prices and us to get into them and buy everything cheap. I'm probably going to be accused of having the wrong kind of christmas spirit. But at least it will be around half price.

And yes, we did to go the sales. And yes I did get some "bargains"....

Steaming Christmas with Pictures

Now that the kids are a bit older we don't get up as early as we used to on Christmas day. But we were still down stairs at a reasonable hour (after all - I had been awake since 3:00 am... )

I think Dad liked his Steam Engine. In a similar vein he had got me a four lane racing car set which was great. We were raising steam and racing cars before lunch.

After a traditional christmas meal including flaming pudding we set out into Cottingham. I took along my new camera and annoyed everyone by taking loads of pictures. But as my dad said, if you take enough of them you are bound to take a good one every now and then. I put it down to artistry rather than weight of numbers....




Cottingham on Christmas Day

Merry Christmas Everybody

I'd like to wish both my readers the very best of all festive seasons. And I promise that I'll fill in the gaps when I've finished my last mince pie...

Christmas Eve Eve

The night before the night before christmas. Time to deliver the christmas cards. They are not officially late yet, but unfortunately there are not that many people in their offices to receive them, and so they might as well be.. I do this every year, and every year I vow to deliver the goods more quickly next time. And so it goes.

Then back home to stick up the cards that I have received. Over the next couple of weeks they will slowly come unstuck and crash to the floor at three in the morning.....

External Ideas

Christmas is approaching and the students have all gone way. This would mean that I could get on with some other things, if I had enough energy to do that... Had a meeting with Dave, the new external for a course at Doncaster that I sort of look after. I've known Dave a while, I once bowled him out in an inter university cricket match many many years ago. (I have an interesting bowling action - the technical name for what I do is apparently "throwing").

Anyhoo, we sorted out the external stuff and then started chatting about what we were up to know. Upshot was lots of neat ideas about web services, remote devices and all kinds of gizmos. I hope that at least some of them amount to something, we could have some serious fun if they do.....

MOT Monday

Another day, another MOT. This time it is the shiny car, and so I was not that worried. Apparently it needs new shoes fairly soon, the grooves on the front tyres are looking a little shallow. I offered to cut some new ones with my shiny swiss penknife, but this was not deemed acceptable.

Wine Wasps and Escalado

Number one daughter informed us that they were having a wine sale at one of the local shops. In a spirit of enquiry we went down there to investigate. We took the car, in case we needed something to carry our purchases back with us. As you do.

It took us a while to find the sale. In the end we just followed the sound of clinking bottles and shuffling. And got to a rack where a bunch of people were hovering, rather like wasps, around shelves covered with bottles of wine. At generous, nay ludicrous, discounts. People were taking their baskets back and fetching trolleys, whilst talking at the time on their mobile phones to their friends and urging them to come down and see for themselves.

Now I'm not much of a wine connoisseur. My habit of reading the percentage proof before any descriptions like "a light, fruity wine with a smooth finish" (whatever that means) ranks me as a bit of an amateur in this area. Cries of "Wahay, 13 percent!" do tend to reduce your credibility in this respect. But I do know what I like. And we managed to get 9 bottles and two boxes of it for around 30 quid. Which can't be bad. We don't usually drink a lot of wine. But, until now, we've never had a lot of wine to drink.......

In the afternoon we played Escalado. This is an ancient horse racing game which uses a vibrating strip of cloth to move models of horses from one end to another. Doesn't sound much like fun when put like that. But in real life it is a hoot. You see, you own one of the horses and you can bet on them. My animal, a fine black stallion with a handsome blue jockey on it was comprehensively thrashed in just about every race. Usually by the grey donkey owned by number one wife. At the end of the six races she had accumulated over 800 pounds worth of winnings. I had converted an initial purse of 200 pounds into 10. But it was fun.

Have a Table

Some new people have just moved into to our little neighbourhood. They came over to introduce themselves today. I offered them a table. I was just putting it into the car to take to the charity furniture shop and it occurred to me that, rather than do that I could let them have it.

Of course I failed to actually introduce myself properly. And so I will probably be henceforth know as "The man with the table". I hope that they don't think that it is some kind of local ritual, where new arrivals are offered a table when they arrive and have to respond with a folding chair or be forever ostracised by the community. Because we are not like that.

Suit You Sir

Did something today I've not done for years. I got myself measured up for a suit. I've kind of decided that I need to smarten up my act. I don't think that the chap doing the measuring was that pleased to see me, what with me being the size that I am, but he was very professional about it. I was happy to find that my waist has not increased much over the years, althouhg I think they train them at tailoring school to agree with the dimensions that the customer says that they have, and then write down the real values later.

Anyhoo, I had forgotten just how complicated suits are, what with decisions on numbers of pleats, tapered waists, inside pockets, button counts and the like. With a bit if luck I will have something smart and hard wearing which treads the fine line between undertaker, wedding guest and waiter. If you are all very good, and promise not to laugh, I'll post a picture when I get the garment.

Christmas Lunch and HIVE Games

We had our departmental christmas lunch today. The meal was good and so was the company (of course). Previously we have eaten at lunch time, and woe betide any students seeking help from me in the afternoon of that day. I'm very sympathetic to whatever problem is brought along, but not usually in much of a state to do anything about it.

The good news is that the meal started in the middle of the afternoon and so there was no need to stagger back to the office and do any work. Instead we staggered back a bit later and played some stupid games. Never played four player Halo 2 on a screen 12 feet tall? Never lived.

I reckon that there is no point in having a "Hull Immersive Video Environment" if you can't play games with it every now and then. Even though I got shot a lot.

Heists

Watched a TV program last night called Heist. A gang of hardened criminals are given a task each week and a film crew track them as they go about their nefarious business. This week they had to steal a one million pound car and take it Belgium. Why Belgium was not made clear. Perhaps there are people wandering round Brussels going "I just wish there was someone I could buy a stolen car worth one million pounds from".

Anyhoo, the gang soon got into the spirit of the occasion and were happily plotting away. The one fly in the ointment was that, this being a sort of family show, they weren't allowed to bash anybody over the head with a crowbar, that being the most effective way of achieving some of the more physical parts of the challenge. Instead they had to create a fake site entrance and dress up as security men to get their hands on their ill gotten gains.

One thing that impressed me was that all the villains looked exactly like they had been hired straight from central casting. The bluff boss, the gentleman cat thief, the hard man and the brainy one all looked just as you would expect. Only the computer hacker spoiled things a bit by looking remarkably like Jesus Christ, but there you go.

The plot ran through to completion quite satisfactorily, although the action was intercut with scenes that were supposed to leave you with the impression that crime doesn't actually pay. Smuggling the car to Belgium was in fact the easiest part of the job, this being achieved by putting the car on a lorry and driving the lorry through customs and out of the country. However, at this point the narration did point out that if they really had stolen such a valuable artifact this bit might have been a bit more tricky, what with ports and stuff all having been alerted.

The funniest bit was when, having tricked the driver out of the cab of his lorry, they put him at ease by saying "Don't worry, it's not a real robbery, we are all from Channel 4". This seemed to work remarkably well. Perhaps alongside jemmy, gelignite, swag bag and the like we will start to see criminals using video cameras, clipboards and producers in future.

Goods and Chattel and Hunted Men

Going to Durham tomorrow to fetch number one son and his goods and chattel. Opinions in the coffee lounge were mixed on whether or not men are allowed to have chattel. Women can apparently be supplied with this stuff, and goods too, but we weren't sure about men.

I've been digging on Google and it turns out that chattel is just "an item of tangible movable personal property (as livestock or an automobile)". I hope he hasn't got any livestock to bring back.

And I've been thinking about Google. If the police are after someone, why don't they just google his name?

Invigilating People

Spent a big chunk of today sitting in an exam hall watching students write furiously. The exam was from the Psychology department. Some of the questions looked quite hard. I felt rather bad about wearing my Micky Mouse sweater.

The chap invigilating with me was from the Theology department. He runs a neat web site about his courses. I said something along the lines that I would love to come back to university and do a subject like Theology where you can "never be wrong".

"Sure" he replied, "You can never be wrong. But you can be stupid". That is such a superb observation. I spent a big chunk of the invigilation wondering whether I'd rather be wrong or stupid.

Still not sure.

Christmas Lottery

Been up in the loft playing "chirstmas lottery". This is a game where one year you hide a set of decorations in the loft. Then the next year you go up and either find them and use them for that year, or find nothing and buy a new set. Then put them in the loft for next year and repeat. I think we have three complete sets of decorations up there. Including trees.

The set we found this year had tree lights that didn't work. When I was a kid, and people were more easily impressed by things like the electricity, I seem to remember that we had a set with 20 bulbs in it. The next year there were eighteen, then fifteen, then the whole lot blew up and I left home....

Nowadays nobody has just 20 lights. Nobody. I went out and bought a replacement set for our failed onces. I thought 40 would be a good enough number but this just looked paltry. Fortunately they were seilling the lights half price and so I was able to get some extra ones without breaking the bank.

Christmas Shopping

The three wise men have a lot to answer for. Although something in me reckons that if christmas didn't exist they would have to invent it so that we can buy stuff. Sorry to sound cynical (or is that realistic) but I've just been christmas shopping. We went to York. Which was somewhat busy. Actually it was very busy. Actually it was like a very crowded cocktail party with shopping bags and hardly anyone looking happy. And no drinks.

At times like this I'm glad that I'm tall and can see over the throng of people between me and the cash till. Then I remember that there is no clothing in York that I can buy precisely for this height reason thing and I become less glad.

But I can by video games and DVDs, they fit all sizes.

University Drinking

First Year: Takes a handful of coins to the coffee machine and finds that they are 1 pence short.

Second Year: Takes exactly the right amount of money to the machine and find that it rejects one of the coins.

Third Year: Takes the right money, plus a bit extra. Finds out that the machine is out of order.

Member of Staff: Can't afford to use the coffee machine. Brings own drinks in.

The Human Condition

I've been thinking today about "The Human Condition". I think it might be "As long as you pay me".

Stealth Yoghurt and Useless Ham

Every day at work, being a creature of habit, I have a raspberry yoghurt as part of my calorie uncontrolled lunch. This means that each week I have to buy eight yoghurts. We don't have extra long weeks up north, but number one wife is partial to them as well. Actually, a liking of raspberry yoghurts is not all we have in common: we also share a love of fine (or indeed any) wine, good conversation and a mutual hatred of the kids (only kidding - that's just me). We also both hate cherry yoghurts.

So why in the name of all that is sensible do Tesco put the cherry yoghurts in almost identical pots and then mix them up with the raspberry ones? I bought eight yoghurts last week and two of them are the loathsome cherry flavour. Nobody will eat them. Nobody. Of course, just because it was me that bought them I am getting the blame for this. I suspect it is some kind of stealth marketing by the "National Cherry Yoghurt liberation Front" or something. Cherry lovers disguised as shoppers are going round stores mixing in cherry yoghurts with the proper raspberry ones. Or perhaps it is a cunning plot by Tesco, who have worked out that they make an extra 0.00001 pence per pot on the cherry ones and are seeking to maximise profit. Come to think of it, when we did an internet order they sent us 8 cherry ones in place of raspberry (which we spotted and sent straight back). What with this and the lard shortage there is definitely something odd going on in the supermarkets of Britain.

And while we are on the subject of stupid food, what is the point of wafer thin meat? Why make something so thin as to be unusable. We don't have wafer thin biscuits (actually I think we may do - but that is beside the point). Why make stuff which is so thin that you can't get it out of the pack and half of it goes on the floor when you try to pick it up and so it ends up being wasted in the bin? Aha. I suspect another plot here. I think the time is ripe for an expose.

Brains of Britain Looking for Lard

Hmm. Went out to the Postgrad party tonight. They had a quiz thing. We formed a team and sallied forth into mental battle with students that we are obviously mentally superior to.

Ah well. In spite of me knowing half the answers (in fact I set those questions) "The David Essex Fan Club" (not a particularly auspicious name as it turned out) failed to win. We didn't even get the award for the stupidest team name. But that issue was more subjective I reckon.

Talk turned, as it always does at these occasions, to the impending lard shortage. I'm trying to talk this up a bit on the grounds that it would be a good idea to do that if I had a spare bedroom full of lard. I don't have, but you never know. Apparently we have a block in the cupboard. I'm going to give it another couple of weeks and then put it on ebay.

The evening was fun though.

Superwater

I think that I've discovered a new form of water. It can be found on the inside of my car windscreen at around 5:30 pm every night at this time of year. It is like ordinary water but it is impossible to mop up and appears from nowhere. Oh, and it is very hard to see through. Every night for the last few working days I've come out of my office, trudged through the dark and arrived at a car which seems to have frosted glass windows. I start the engine up and then spend five minutes scraping condensation from every surface, inside and out. Then I get in, drive 50 feet and find that the windscreen is now covered in my new discovery.

So I have to pull in to the side of the road and read a book until I can finally clear the darned stuff away. I don't remember seeing this kind of water before. It seems all thick and gloopy and you can't mop it up. There is probably a scientific name for it. I call it darned annoying.

I was quite pleased this evening (in a schaudenfraude kind of way) to see the car in front of me suddenly veer to the kerb and stop. Inside I could see frantic rubbing. I guess that I am not alone in my discovery.

Oboe Moods

I'd hate to be an oboe player. Number one daughter has been watching "Dawson's Creek". Whenever something bad happens they play some drippy piano music behind an oboe solo.

I can just imagine the instructions to the soloist. "Now, as the steamroller goes over her I want you to emphasise this with the shift into a minor key...."

Happy bits don't seem to involve oboes at all. Which is sad (oboe music plays in background).

Dancing with humble pie in my mouth

Hmm. Watched "Strictly Come Dancing" again tonight (rest of family likes it). The pro-celebrity dance championship is definitely hotting up, and I'm afraid I'm going to have to rethink my position on this. The way that they move around the dance floor is hugely impressive and the work involved must be enormous. And Bruce Forsythe wasn't in it much.

I think what I really hate is the grotty rehash chat show bit on every weekday night. But as for the dancers, they are superb.

Low Cunning for Cheap Comedy

For some time I've had a Napster subscription. I pay 10 pounds a month and I can listen to any kind of music on my PC. I can also load music onto my tablet and listen to music on that too. Very nice.

Of course I can't actually do anything with the music that I've loaded, since it is protected by all that nasty digital rights manglement stuff. If I want to burn a CD I have to buy the music, at 99 pence a track.

I took part in a Napster survey and got five free downloads. But what to buy? I've always liked comedy records so I took a look at the Monty Python catalogue. Turns out that one side of some of the Python albums is one track. So..... I can get two and a half complete albums with my freebies.

Lovely.

Pimp My Ride Rocks

When I get home from a hard day at the office I just love watching Pimp My Ride on MTV. The format is quite simple. A horrible old wreck of a car owned by some worthy individual is taken to a car customiser and given a serious going over. The result is average family hatchbacks being given garish paint jobs, spoilers, in car entertainment systems with earthquake power and even an in car water feature as in the show last night.

Wonderful stuff. The car customising gang all look deeply scary, but by gum they know their business. The MC who runs it, a rapper called Xzibit, oversees the whole proceedings with great gusto. I really like watching as these craftsmen do their stuff.

And the final point is that the folks who get their wrecks back as gleaming machines packed with goodies are soo pleased to have them. It really is a happy ending every time. And we can all do with more of those.

Gravity Sucks

Not a good start to the day. This morning, whilst opening the curtains in my guvvy room, I managed to knock a bunch of DVDs off one of the shelves. The shelves are new, only put them up on the weekend. They are not quite straight, but I blame next door's spirit level for that. Anyhoo, the pile of disks fell with unerring accuracy on my glass plasma ball thingy. Which is now no more. Oh, it still exists, but as a huge number of tiny shards of class, rather than a single, spherical, item.

You would not believe how many pieces the departed thingy has broken into. I reckon I'm going to have to strip and clean the whole room before I can sit down and watch telly without getting bits of broken glass in my bottom. The only really good news is that I never used the actual plasma ball much, so it is no big loss. For some reason it sent the remote control on the amplifier bonkers, and I've already stolen the power supply for something else.

But I do hate breaking things.